Something clicked for me today. Something important. An answer to a question that I didn't remember asking. Or maybe I do remember the questions I posed to God many times over the last 3 years. Something like: "Why, God? Why am I being moved so far from my family? Why do I need to be in a place where I have no friends? Why this time, why this place?"
This morning, during my time with God, (Today is my first day of being unemployed, and I can't even explain how glorious it is to have nothing on my agenda and just spend as much time as I need to with him!) I was reading chapter three in 'Secrets of the Secret Place' to prepare for tonight's Bible Study. And a consistent theme arose. Obedience.
Suddenly, everything seemed to fit. Every lesson from the time I heard God tell me to move to NYC, through the confirmations I received that I was, indeed, supposed to move, to every lesson learned through painful experiences and joyful experiences, a need to rely on others but especially on God, the call that I was released from Communitas (the church plant from MI that I moved to NYC to start), my acceptance to Columbia University and the understanding that I can't go there if I don't live in NYC, to looking at pictures of my granddaughter on facebook and realizing that I will get to see her grow up in person.
Things I wanted to do; things I didn't want to do; exciting things; lonely times; happy times; new friends I can call family. I'm not sure how to articulate all the memories swirling around my head this morning. I have had the hardest three years of my life, and also the very best three years of my life. For the first time I was living my life for God, but also living my life for myself. Being such a young mother, from the time I was a child, my first concerns have been for my son and what would be best for him. Suddenly, I was able to live a life for myself.
I have gone through many trials and tribulations throughout my life, and I have always believed in Jesus, but I have not always (mostly) lived my life in a way that would be pleasing to him. But now, he has made his point. Or rather, I have understood his point! Above all, I must be obedient to what it is he wants. And although I have had ups and downs, I have been obedient. And I am so pleased that I have pleased God, that I am pleasing God.
I don't know what is in store for me next. I'm moving back to MI in 9 days. I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I have little savings. I don't have a place to call my own. But I do have a place to stay with friends. And I do have a bike. And I do have family and great friends. And I do have faith. And mostly I have the knowledge that I am being obedient, and that I want to continue to be obedient. And that makes me happy and gives me peace.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Supportive Couple
So I had the opportunity to observe an unique couple this morning. It happened as I was on my way to my friend's apartment to attend a prayer walk. I transferred from the express train to the local train. I saw a stroller to my left, which in NYC means one of two possibilities. One, there is a person with a baby or, two, there is a homeless person with all their belongings. This was the second possibility, but instead of one homeless person it was a couple.
As I was happily listening to my ipod, I didn't quite notice them at first, or hear them, at least not for a few minutes. And then I heard her. She was yelling obscenities to a woman (who, apparently was fat, ugly and couldn't get a man) who I never saw. She was getting really mad. People started moving away from her to the other end of the train. The man with her was oblivious to anything that she was saying, and was quietly eating his sandwich.
And then she started to get quiet, and a sad look came upon her face. And she started to cry. And instantly the man with her started to comfort her with words as he draped his arm around her shoulder. "See, this is why I shouldn't be nice." (Of course, yelling obscenities to someone isn't what I would call being nice, but...) I didn't quite hear the words he spoke. But she had all of his attention.
It was very emotional and moving. Very raw. This is a tough city to live in. I am constantly exposed to people's pain in a way that it is on display for me. It's right there in front of you. In a matter of a few moments, I went from feeling disgust, annoyance, to a little envious of what that couple shared. I felt a few tears fall down my cheek. It's days like these that I think I'll never be the same. Hope that's true.
As I was happily listening to my ipod, I didn't quite notice them at first, or hear them, at least not for a few minutes. And then I heard her. She was yelling obscenities to a woman (who, apparently was fat, ugly and couldn't get a man) who I never saw. She was getting really mad. People started moving away from her to the other end of the train. The man with her was oblivious to anything that she was saying, and was quietly eating his sandwich.
And then she started to get quiet, and a sad look came upon her face. And she started to cry. And instantly the man with her started to comfort her with words as he draped his arm around her shoulder. "See, this is why I shouldn't be nice." (Of course, yelling obscenities to someone isn't what I would call being nice, but...) I didn't quite hear the words he spoke. But she had all of his attention.
It was very emotional and moving. Very raw. This is a tough city to live in. I am constantly exposed to people's pain in a way that it is on display for me. It's right there in front of you. In a matter of a few moments, I went from feeling disgust, annoyance, to a little envious of what that couple shared. I felt a few tears fall down my cheek. It's days like these that I think I'll never be the same. Hope that's true.
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