God Loves Me

I've been reading 'Blue Like Jazz' (Thanks Superstar, I love this book!) the last couple of days and what I read tonight on my way home from work hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not been able to accept God's love. I think I will be forever stuck until I can humbly receive God's unconditional love.

Of course I will also have trouble forgiving. And accepting others. And loving others. Before I can give anything to anyone, I must first receive. The values at our church are: Love, Lock, Live. Love others, Lock arms with each other, and Live open handedly. But before we can love others, we are told we must first receive God's love. I have heard that saying so many times. And it is just now clicking with me. Funny how it sometimes takes many times for something to resonate!

And why can't I receive God's love? Now that is the tricky part. For whatever reason, deep down, I don't believe I deserve it. But that is changing.

Riding on the bus and reading the book and realizing that I need to receive His love, I had a vision. (Not like a psychic vision or anything crazy like that) but a picture in my mind of how much God loves me. Instead of me picturing me running to Him, I saw God noticing me from the corner of his eye and running towards me. Yes, towards me! He was so happy to see me because his love for me is overwhelming...and unconditional. I was surprised by his action, delighted with his attention, and warmed in his presence.

So now I have a new goal. I'm going to stay in this place of just simply being loved and adored by my creator. For as long as I need to. I am going to just receive until I am filled up. And I think God is delighted with my goal.

Un something

So I found this draft of a post that I never published, and I wonder why I didn't. It was written in mid August. I must say reading it now is helping me to know that things have changed for me in the last month and a half...positively. So I'm posting it now so that I can look back and remember that if there is one constant in life, it is change.

I am feeling so unable to express the way I've been feeling lately, so forgive me. I've never felt so confused about everything, yet so sure at the same time. My life is full of contradictions.

I feel as if there is no one who can understand where I'm at, what I see. Here I am helping to plant a church whose primary goal is to serve the marginalized in the city...in Gramercy. One of the wealthiest areas in New York City. Of course, there are people in need everywhere. No matter what their lives look like on the outside, you never really know what their lives are like inside their protected bubbles. And there are homeless everywhere, too.

But here I am living in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn, and working in the Bronx. Both very impoverished areas. The people I see everyday in my neighborhood and in my work are very different than in midtown. Mostly, they are black and/or latino. I am a minority in both places. Very different in Midtown where I more easily blend, at least outwardly. Which gives me a sense of disconnect. Not that I don't blend where I work and live, but that there is such a sharp contrast to the area of my church and those I serve with.

The poverty, suffering and pain of the people I encounter in my work everyday is overwhelming at times. I can't help but to become emotionally involved with my cases, which leaves me feeling burdened by the end of the day. I hope that I never become too hardened that I am not involved in my cases--it is after all people's lives I'm dealing with--but I hope that it doesn't weigh me down either.

I pray that I find a way to do God's will and to be understood, all at the same time.

The Jeffersons

I have had the Jefferson's theme song running through my head for the past week. Why? Because I am moving! I don't know to where yet, but I do know where from--from a sink consistently full of dirty dishes, from 2-3 transfers when I go anywhere, from a house of young roommates (which I'm sure works well in your 20's, but not so well in your 40's), from being far away from my church family.

I have lived almost my entire life in two places, so these last few years of moving around into new and unique situations has been a bit of a stretch for me. I'm praying that the next place I land is a place of comfort for me.

The odd thing is that it is too soon to start looking for a place. Imagine that, 33 days until I move and it's too soon to look! What is on the market now will not be available on November 1st. So I have to really be patient until the time comes to search.

Until then, I'm going to keep singing to myself, "Moving on up, moving on up, to a deluxe apartment in the skyyyy. Yes, I'm moving on up, to the east side. I'll finally get a piece of the pie."

School Buses

There are hardly any school buses in NYC. I'm sure you're now wondering, 'how do the children get to school, then?' I'll tell you. They take the regular buses (and trains too.)

So the crowded bus I take into downtown Brooklyn each day to catch the train that takes me to the Bronx is now jam packed with people--adults and kids alike. My 1 hour and 15 minute commute has been at least 10 minutes longer since school started. And the bus has been crammed.

It is not a nice way to start the day--being bumped and pushed and jostled, (while standing 'cuz now it's hard to get a seat!)--no, not nice at all.

Living in the city can be so amazing. But it can also be really hard and wear you down. And most days I feel both extremes, sometimes in the span of ten minutes.

United Nations

Sometimes I forget where I'm living, which just so happens to be the coolest city in the states. Today after church (we've started meeting in the mornings!) I decided to run some errands and pick up some items I needed from my favorite place, Bed, Bath & Beyond on 61st Street and 1st Ave. That store has everything!

It was a beautiful day today so I decided to walk up 1st Ave. from 19th Street. A quick stop at Pastors' to pick up a package--thanks kids for the nice surprise!--then continuing up 1st from 33rd. I started to see signs stating 'No Parking Today' and 'Keep Moving' which is a bit unusual. There were also many police cars, police officers and gates pushed to the sides of the street which are used for crowd control and to block off streets. Then I noticed several tour buses and people standing around with press badges.

Turns out there was some type of gathering at the U.N. today. That's right, the UNITED NATIONS! It then occurs to me that 'I live here.' In the same city as the U.N. How cool is that?

But there's more. I needed to stop at the bookstore, too, so I did some more meandering. I passed 'Serendipity' the restaurant from the John Cusack movie and strolled down 5th Avenue. Central Park, The Plaza, the shops on 5th Ave. So often I get caught up in my day-to-day affairs I don't stop and realize where I live and all the cool things in the city. Fall in New York is magical!

Hand in Hand

Walking from my office to the train after work, I saw the cutest thing: a little girl holding her mom's hand as she walked along a ledge, balancing oh so carefully. And she went along for quite some time...until she had to hop off because of the man laying across her path, fast asleep (or passed out.)

And no one seemed to notice him.

Forgiveness

Tonight on my way home from church I was feeling very introspective. We are studying the Lord's prayer. Tonight's verse was Matthew 6:12 "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." It was a message that I felt was just for me. About forgiveness. Something I have been struggling with, (although unaware until tonight that I was) and something that is probably behind and underneath all my core issues. And as much as I needed to really let my emotions overflow while I was at church, I held it in until I could be alone and take some time to let it all sink in. I couldn't let myself be vulnerable. Which is really a nice way of saying that I was afraid to start crying, because I'm not sure if once I do that I'll be able to ever stop. (Looking back, this was a mistake, because once home I was unable to get back to that moment.)

So here I am today, a holiday, sick. Just a summer cold. Not sick enough to feel real miserable, just sick enough to not want to do anything. And I'm home alone. (which itself is a miracle.) Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Maybe it's time for me to let down all my defenses and work through this forgiveness that I owe. Maybe then I will no longer have a barrier that separates me from fully experiencing God's grace and mercy. Maybe.

Taking the "high" way home

On the crowded G train on my way home from church tonight, I sat in between two young men. Across from us was another young man, whom I could tell was their friend. It only took a moment for me to realize that these boys were very high. They must have smoked many a blunt in an enclosed room for hours for their clothes to absorb so much of the odor. I looked to my right, then across at the boy on the other bench and said, "man are you boys high." To which I received a smile, then a laugh and a turn away. I also mentioned that if we rode many stops together, I was afraid I was going to get high just sitting next to them! (I didn't.)

We spoke for a couple of minutes, mostly me talking and them looking back at me all paranoid. (The boy sitting next to me did ask me a couple of questions, so at least he was following what I was talking about.) It was a situation that I wished I could have helped or influenced or encouraged them in some way. Explain that there is more to life than getting high. But trying to talk to someone when they're lit, probably isn't the best timing. I did pray for them. And who knows? Maybe I did touch them in some way.