I can't help but to think that there's something inherently wrong with me. I have a difficult time making friends, I think I always have. And I am apparently repulsive to the opposite sex. I don't really know why. I have been questioning lately if my problem with forming new relationships is because I have a history of being rejected in my past. And I carry that baggage with me even when I don't want to. And how do I remedy this problem? I reject others first so they can't reject me. Well, that's unhealthy, but definitely true. But to what degree do I do this? Evidently enough to keep me from making new friends.
Isn't there part of me who just wants to be liked anyways? There is. I want someone to recognize that part of me that is still willing to give my heart away. To be vulnerable. To care, to love, to laugh. Can that part even be seen any longer? I think maybe it can't. And that saddens me to my core. And it's a shame. I am Loyal. And True. Aren't those great attributes to have in a lover or a friend? I think so.
I heard, not audibly, but I definitely felt God telling me last week that I don't have to stay in NYC. Not forever, anyway. Doesn't mean I can leave now, in fact, I don't know when I can leave. But it is the first time I have heard or felt that this move wasn't permanent. And that brought such joy to me that I could hardly contain myself. Even 'The Situation' couldn't keep me from being happy!
But now I'm thinking, what is in store for me when I go back to MI? Whenever that happens, I'll have to start over. Again. I will be happy to be around people who I genuinely like and who genuinely like me. (Here I love and am loved, but liked? Like is a strong word in my book.) My family. My friends. But how often did I get to see my friends when I lived there? My closest friends lived far away. And how would things change if I moved back? Was the purpose of me coming to NYC so that I would never live the same way again? Because I don't think I will. I don't think I can. Maybe it's simply fear that keeps me thinking about the future and the past, and what keeps me from staying in the present. And what is fear but lack of faith?
It's late. I'm tired. I'm sad. I can't sleep. (At least I finally quit sobbing--I'm sure my neighbor is pleased about that!) And it has a lot of 'ifs.' So I probably shouldn't post this. But, as Joel in Risky Business said, 'sometimes, you just gotta say...'
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4 comments:
About half of my posts say "i probably won't post this", and only about half of those get posted. I know exactly how you feel, and the truth is I've been rejected ("loved" but not "liked" very much) in my family, which is the hardest thing to get past. I just try to see myself as God sees me, know that other people are not really paying that much attention to me and don't know my whole history, they just see what I am today. Some will like me, some won't, my ego tells me I have to take that one person in the room who doesn't like me and make them like me or there's something wrong. Its a battle to stay even sometimes, accept me for who I am. Ugh, this is a counter-blog, I'm sorry...
Counter blog, ha ha. I'm just having a hard time with, what's the old song: If you can't be with the ones you love, honey, love the ones you're with. (but replace love with like.)
I kind of know how you feel, I often assume people don't like me and I don't make friends easily. But I'll tell you what. I Love the name of your blog which may be because I also love A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, it is a special favorite in my family. I also like your blog template because it is the one I originally had and I still think the green is pretty. And I'm also fond of climbing trees. Oh, and I post everything.
Glad to meet you!
Glad to meet you too, MOTPG! Just read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn last summer, it's now my favorite!
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